My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
