dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
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I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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