So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
