thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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