I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
