I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
