I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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