how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
