A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
