remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
