I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
