I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
