There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
