i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
