so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
