this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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