i used baking grease as lip gloss
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She swung at the pinata with crutches
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
