She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
