My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
