3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
