he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
