so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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