She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
