White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
