i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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