where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
