He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
