Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
