I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
