I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
