I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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