I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
