I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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