I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
