Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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