I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
