Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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