Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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