I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
