Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
