Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
