Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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