He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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