I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
