i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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