recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
