I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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