I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
