I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
