How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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