Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
