I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
