I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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