Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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