Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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