I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
