this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
