just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
