Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
